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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Xmas Blog

A Sexologist’s Xmas

For me, Christmas is about Santa Claus…Santa Claus and family gatherings...Santa Claus and exchanging presents…Santa Claus and decorations…Santa Claus and holiday parties. Santa Claus! Santa Claus! Santa Claus! Yeah, well, not in my business. Not even Saint Nick can keep people’s love, relationship and sexual problems from surfacing on my list.

Handcuffed to the Loo

Take Felicity, for example, who called frantically begging me to counsel her boyfriend. With the voice of a stevedore and an attitude to match, she was clearly a dominant and agitated person. Felicity began our conversation by complimenting me on my work, especially with women. She applauded me for being a powerful and passionate woman. Okay, so I’m a sucker for compliments, what can I say? She got my attention. But it’s what came out of her mouth next that floored me, something that quite frankly is difficult to accomplish. Felicity proceeded to describe how she takes care of her live-in boyfriend, Mike. “Before I go to work, I put on his diapers and handcuff him to the loo so he can’t masturbate,” she announced defiantly. “And how does Mike feel about that?” I interjected. “Well, he tries to escape,” she responded spontaneously. “And that is why you must order him to do what I say, Dr. Ava!” Her response was angry and confrontational, not very becoming of her name, derived from happiness. Since I pride myself on the ability to shelve my own personal judgments in such matters, I did not reveal my disdain for Felicity in that moment. Instead, I tried to explain to her in my most professional manner that I do not condone or recommend anything to anyone which may be harmful. Felicity pleaded with me, explaining that her way was the only way for Mike. As far as she was concerned, she was intended to protect Mike from himself. The more argumentative she become, the more firm and adamant became my resolve. The phone call ended with a secret wish of mine…that Mike escape Felicity and find his way to some serious counseling.

So you see, even a sexologist makes their list and checks it twice. It’s important to be selective about the clients I treat. Now, back to Santa Claus. Do you think I made his list?

Sex in the Yard

People tend to clean house towards the end of the year. It makes sense. After all, even a milk carton has an expiry date. Getting problems to expire? That’s a little trickier.

Ed and Patty hadn’t had sex in 10 months. Fran and Shaun wanted the fantasy of a threesome. Carla and Joseph got married before having sex, discovering after the fact that Joseph’s penis was too big for Carla’s vagina, or Carla’s vagina was too small for Joseph’s penis (you choose). And, they all wanted a quick fix! Okay, everybody still with me? Don’t worry; it’s not one of those mathematical word problems we all learned to hate.

I asked Ed and Patty to describe the last time they had sex. Patty said it was very romantic while Ed described it as highly erotic. Both enjoyed making love in their backyard during a warm afternoon. The only problem is that their neighbors weren’t too keen on the concept. In fact, the neighbors gathered together and signed a petition warning them that if Ed and Patty had sex in their backyard again, the neighborhood would press charges. Gives a new meaning to the “neighborhood watch program” don’t you think? Ashamed, Ed and Patty were scared, afraid that, if they made love in and/or out of their house, they would be seen or heard and consequently slammed behind bars. They even contemplated moving due to the humiliation. I felt so bad for them that I was tempted to leave the room and let them have sex in my office, but I didn’t want to have to remove stains from my chaise-longue, so I reconsidered. Instead, I encouraged them to do some “Sensate Focus” exercises in my office so that they could reconnect with each other kinesthetically. This is non-sexual touching where they caress each other on the face, hands or other non-sexual areas in a loving way. They gave each other verbal feedback and maintained eye-contact throughout the exercises. As I watched Ed and Patty interact with each other, I realized that they had both blamed each other for the indiscreet sexual experience their neighbors had observed. The “Sensate Focus” was healing a hurt relationship that had every chance of rekindling its passion. I gave Ed and Patty a “Love Prescription” to make love in their home; be it in the kitchen, bathroom or on dining room table without worrying about their nosy neighbors, who were probably jealous anyway.

One for the money, two for the show, three for a threesome?

There’s a fine line between fantasy and reality. Fran and Shaun were looking to cross that line. The attractive thirty-something couple came to me looking for some spice in their love life. Shaun had suggested a threesome, and Fran was not sure she needed or wanted another X chromosome in her bed. I asked Shaun the question to end all questions: “Why?” His response did not surprise me. “Variety. I just want some variety.” Also not a surprise was Fran’s reaction. Needless to say, she did not look too happy. She verbally attacked him, questioning why she was not enough for him. He explained that it was purely sex and that he loved Fran very much. Before it could get out of hand, I called a truce between the two of them. I explained that in their present state of mind, it did not appear a threesome was in order. I suggested they fantasize about bringing another woman into their bedroom as a compromise. After all, fantasy can often be more exciting than reality. The cons often far exceed the pros when contemplating something as fantastical as a threesome. It was clear Fran would not only feel jealous but would turn resentful towards Shaun if they proceeded with realizing his fantasy. Shaun admitted he did not want to hurt his wife. The two agreed and a compromise was successfully reached.

Is he too big or she too small?

Carla saved her virginity for Joseph for religious reasons. Joseph had sexual relations with two other women before Carla, but his fantasy was to marry a virgin. Now that he got what he wanted, he was complaining that his penis was too big for his wife’s vagina, (be careful what you wish for). So, I asked him if it was too big for his other lovers and he replied with a smirk, “No, they liked it.” Poor Carla looked sheepish and then started verbally blaming herself for having an inferior vagina. Now since I don’t allow any nudity in my office, I really couldn’t tell if he was too big or she was too small, but I decided that Carla needed a little help in the sexual knowledge and confidence department. Before long, I had her laughing at all the various sized dildos I had put on my desk for her to observe. I explained to her that her vagina would stretch to accommodate each and every one of them, especially when aroused.

Since she was a virgin, I recommended she start out with the thinnest and shortest dildo and work her way up to the one most similar in size to her husbands penis. I told Joseph to seduce his wife by kissing her, caressing her and orally pleasuring her for at least half an hour before encouraging her to use the phallic sex toys. Carla needed to learn how to relax and surrender her body to her husband, but he would have to be patient. Joseph would need to teach her the art of lovemaking so that her vagina could get used to being penetrated without discomfort. I loaded them up with 6 different sized dildos and plenty of lubricant. They left my office giggling like silly adolescents.

I love making people happy and I love my job!


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