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Sunday, November 20, 2005

Dr. Ava's Loveology Blog 2

Paul Revere and the 2 Minute Man

The 2 minute drill may be exciting in football but, in the bedroom, it can pose a serious problem. Bill returned for another session on his premature ejaculation problem. He appeared very pleased with himself as he sat across my desk, smiling. “I went down on Annie for 20 minutes Dr. Ava!” he announced triumphantly. “Just as she was climaxing, I kept my tongue on her clit and went for her G-spot with my finger. She just kept cumming and cumming and cumming. It was…awesome,” he pleasantly sighed. I praised Bill for his newfound sexual prowess, all of which he had learned in our previous session. “Congratulations, you completed the Venus Butterfly technique. How long were you able to last after that? I inquired. “I got on top of her and almost came too fast, so I changed positions like you suggested and lasted at least for 5 minutes,” he replied. Did he say 5 minutes? 5 minutes! My 2 minute man was now a 5 minute man? Fantastic! Now that’s what I call progress. Listening to Bill, I couldn’t help wonder what the ultimate minute man, Paul Revere, would have thought. “Dr. Ava is coming! Dr. Ava is coming!”

Sex on Drugs

While waiting for my next client, I received a call from a reporter at the Metro Newspaper in the UK. They wanted my expert opinion on having sex while on recreational drugs. I can’t imagine needing anything more than a spontaneous, open-minded, adventurous and willing personality for great sex. So the need for anything more stimulating than the most stimulating thing on earth is not only foreign to me but, well, crazy. Besides, isn’t sex the most natural drug on earth? I don’t use recreational drugs but, apparently, this has become an epidemic in the UK.

Addicted to Love

I think Robert Palmer had something when he belted, “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love!” And what’s so wrong with that? After all, isn’t it our most basic fundamental desire…to give and receive love?
My new client was a genuine Beverly Hills desperate housewife. Lacey entered my office with every hair in place, perfect makeup, sporting an expensive designer suit that showed every curve. In short, lace had nothing on Lacey. She was voluptuous, beautiful and, ironically, confident. “I’m a sex addict, “she proclaimed - and so began our 2 hour session.
I found her self-diagnosis interesting and asked her why she felt it to be true. She proceeded to confess she was having sex with her trainer, her pool boy, her gardener, and was presently contemplating her hairdresser. “I’m running out of employees,” she wryly mused. Lacey was no longer in love with her husband, a prominent plastic surgeon whom she married 15 years ago. Divorce was too complicated and, therefore, not an option. Her relationship with her husband had moved beyond dislike. She had become completely indifferent and numb towards him, in every way. In fact, she was perfectly OK with her husband cheating on her, something she had resigned herself to years ago. “When I leave today, I will be meeting a cute waiter I met this morning at a hotel,” she commented bluntly. “How do you feel after you have sex with these men?” I asked. “I want them to love me,” she responded instantaneously. And there it was, clear as day. Lacey was not a sex addict. She was a love addict.
An addiction to “sex” needs to be monitored, analyzed and understood. An addiction to Desperate Housewives, well that’s another session!

It’s in the cards! It’s in the cards!

Christina Engelhardt is a beautiful blond of German descent. She is also a friend. An accomplished astrologer, Christina offered to give me a Tarot card reading as a way of thanking me for hiring her as a staff writer for my website (just check out her Sextrology forecast on http://www.avacadell.com/).
Guess what? My Tarot card reading revealed that 2006 will be a big year filled with romance, success and an abundance of financial rewards for me! Pretty cool, huh?
Needless to say, I left Christina’s house feeling like a winner. I plan on holding those cards for awhile!

Apprentice Sexperts

Meanwhile, Chance (my office manager), was back at the office filming an apprentice prospect named Tracey. Tracey was busy revealing her qualifications for the apprentice sexpert position by performing a few positions of her own – a striptease for the camera. Earlier that day, Chance filmed Charlese outside Hustler who wanted to show off her TriGasm purchase for the camera. Afterwards, Salvatore came in for an audition, but couldn’t think of anything better to say than, “Hello, my name is Salvatore and I am a good lover.” Apparently, Salvatore is short for Salvation For All Women! The next day, he called back and wanted to re-shoot his audition tape. You’ve got to see these tapes to believe them.

Tom Cruise the Alpha Dog

On November 8th I was asked to comment on the body language of Hollywood stars for E! News. I arrived before noon so they could air the segment that very night. I watched various TV re-runs, one of which was of Tom Cruise kissing Katie Holmes. I pointed out that Tom’s body language was that of an alpha-dog controlling his prey. The producers then showed me Vince Vaughn hugging Jennifer Anniston. I immediately picked up on his primal grip which screamed, “I want you now” while Jennifer’s body language was much more passive. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s walk to the podium to promote their movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith was memorable because they were trying to hide the fact that they had been intimate. I commented on Brad biting his bottom lip, which is an indication he really wants to blurt something out, but is forcing himself to hide it. Angelina was sauntering with a satisfied smile on her face; the kind a woman has after a fulfilling climax.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Dr. Ava’s Loveology Blog

Follow the life of one woman who dishes out her unusual, often comic, sometimes dramatic adventures as America’s premier love, relationship and sex expert.

Christened by the media, The Martha Stewart of Love and Intimacy!

The story so far; For over a decade Dr. Ava has had her private practice in a penthouse office high above the Sunset Strip. She counsels singles and couples on a wide range of love, relationship and sexual issues. Dr. Ava regularly appears on TV and radio shows while contributing to dozens of magazines and newspapers with her no-holds-barred advice. Where mentioned, names of her clients will be changed to protect their identity.

The perils of working for Dr. Ava

Last month Dr. Ava found out that Robbi, her female assistant of 2 years met her dream man on one of Dr. Ava’s seminar tours to Alaska, so Robbi resigned and will be relocating to another state to live with him. This was not unexpected since Robbi was young, attractive and unattached. Dr. Ava is now interviewing apprentices.

And so the search begins

I interviewed my first candidate for the position as my new apprentice, but realized in the first 5 minutes that Mrs. Bertha Jones, a plump, post menopausal woman, was not going to be able to handle looking at dildos, talk about orgasms or even type the words oral sex, so I cut the meeting short. Bertha walked towards the door in slow motion as she eyeballed a shelf filled with my array of love products, books on sex, orgasm cream, my TriGasm vibrator and the Tantric Lover’s Game. She took a deep breath and threw me a final objectionable glance, which almost made me feel like some kind of sexual deviant. But once she was gone, I made the executive decision that prompted me to hold video auditions, instead of seeing one ill-equipped candidate after another, and wrote the following ad.

Career Opportunity - Casting

Dr. Ava is looking for a dynamic, intelligent, interesting, and uninhibited business person to be her apprentice. Age, gender and sexual orientation are immaterial. If you want to apply, please create a 2-3 minute video showing how you could contribute to promoting the benefits of healthy love and intimacy to singles and couples around the globe.

Video content: Anything that you believe will get Dr. Ava’s attention!

Upload the video by Dec 15th at www.avacadell.com Instructions on how and where to upload will be placed on the site shortly. Good luck, be happy and stay sexy!

From infidelity to masturbation and Tantric sex

On October 11th, Dr. Ava was a guest expert on the Montel Williams Show, which focused on “A Husbands Betrayal.”Other guests included a wife whose husband shot her after she discovered that he was cheating, a wife and daughter who were mortified to discover that their husband and father of 19 years had been cheating for the past 17 years and to make matters worse, was arrested for soliciting sex from a 13 year child on the Internet. Finally a couple married for 8 years were counseled by Dr. Ava because the woman found out her husband was leading a double life.

Dr. Ava also worked on a 12 part TV series, The Science of Sex. They filmed Dr. Ava counseling some of her clients (with their permission) including a pretty blonde woman called Mindy, in her early 20’s, who didn’t have a clue about the female anatomy and had never experienced an orgasm. Buck, a hunk in his early 30’s, agreed to be filmed because he wanted to share his passion for masturbation and some of his self-pleasuring techniques. Before you get too aroused, you should know that demonstrations were shown on anatomical puppets and toys. The crew also filmed a gorgeous couple, Matt and Renee who displayed some highly erotic Tantric sexual practices (no nudity) but very sensual to watch. My favorite is the Tantric Dance, where they hold each other tight, eye-gaze and move their bodies in unison, but not their feet. Not all of Dr. Ava’s clients are hotties and hunks, but the ones who want to be on TV usually are…surprise surprise! Note: This show will not air until later in the month of November so watch their site or ours for updated information.

Dr. Ava’s agent and manager have been setting up appointments for her to meet with network executives for her own TV talk show.

Pole Dancing and Sushi

The last week in October

Graduation day at the
>S Factor
! My final class in pole dancing began with the counting of my various war wounds, or shall I say, bruises on my body. Who would’ve ever thought opening and closing my legs around a long thick hard pole would make me so sore? After all, I am an experienced sex expert. Stretching out the kinks before class, I couldn’t help acknowledge my newfound appreciation for strippers. Do I want to be a stripper? No, but I do recommend the classes to my clients and I take my research very seriously. Besides, a good sex expert always practices what she preaches. Stripping is sexy, safe, and a fantastic workout, but you might have to wear stockings afterwards.

After pole dancing, I graduated to some inspiring sushi. I met Carlana Stone at Yoshi Sushi to interview her for my newsletter. Her new book, “Never Give In, Never Give Up” is about her life before she was in a terrible car accident, where everyone walked away unscathed except for Carlana, who never walked again. Today, Carlana, though wheelchair-bound, skydives, skis, and at thirty-four, has married the love of her life.

After my fill of spicy tuna on deep fried crispy rice, it was time to go aphrodisiac shopping for tomorrow’s show with Leeza Gibbons, host of a new radio show on 97.3 EZ Rock. So, I went to Mrs. Gooches in Beverly Hills where I picked up $100 worth of phallic looking love foods.

Hypnotic Love Foods

At 10:00 AM on Wednesday October 19th, I was live on air with Leeza, who didn’t look a day older than the last time I was on her TV show more than 5 years ago. I lay down my aphrodisiacs in front of her and her eyes lit up as she started speaking to her audience. “Dr. Ava has brought us some naughty looking foods, like bananas” and she spelled the word out as if it was really too sexy to say. I enjoyed her coyness and fed her chocolates, black licorice, fresh figs, tomatoes and carrots, the phallic symbol of the vegetable kingdom. She was feeling the effects and we had fun bantering back and forth.

That’s Hollywood…Easy cum easy go!

On Thursday I was excited because my agent had set up an appointment for me to meet with network executives for my own TV show, so I splurged on getting my make-up done professionally by Mac. Halfway through the make-up session, my agent called to say that they needed to reschedule. Looking exceptionally glamorous, but feeling disappointed that nobody at the network was going to see me at my best, I just went to my office and paid bills, then sang “Happy Birthday” to Robbi, my assistant who was going to be leaving me at the end of the week. My heart really wasn’t into singing and my gift to her was unimaginative…a gift certificate to Neiman Marcus.

Before the day's end, I saw June, a gloomy looking client in her late forties, who confessed that she had never had an orgasm. She was not in a relationship and did not masturbate, possibly two good reasons for her dilemma. I gave her an anatomy lesson of the vulva and clitoris (by demonstrating on a realistic looking plastic model) and I encouraged her to fantasize while pleasuring herself (at home). Finally, I gave her a box of Vibrel, an amazing female enhancement gel that has been instrumental in helping women become more orgasmic. June left my office with a bounce in her step and couldn’t stop thanking me for my help.

Male bashing can be fun

On Friday morning I worked out in the morning in my home gym with an ex Mr. Italy, body builder trainer, Massimo, who inspires me to stay in shape. My favorite activity is when he gives me boxing gloves to put on and tells me to hit him as hard as I can. Second favorite activity is just looking at his bulging muscles.

Then I took my friend Berri, a PR agent, out for a birthday lunch at the Ivy in Beverly Hills. We have a lot in common. For one thing, we both have a dog called, Romeo. I gave her a high tech desk set and we enjoyed people watching, eating and talking about men and sex, two of my favorite subjects.

I am the Sex Fairy

Later on I saw Bill, a client who was suffering from performance anxiety with his new girlfriend, Annie. He said that his erection couldn’t last longer than a couple of minutes and he didn’t want to become infamous as the two minute man, so he begged me for my help, hoping that I could just wave my magic wand and poof… his penis would stay hard for hours. Just call me the sex fairy. Anyway, I told Bill to focus on his girlfriend’s pleasure instead of his penis. “Take your time to please her” I said showing him how to caress her vulva (on the puppet), “Give her oral sex and wait until after she’s had her orgasm before penetration.” Bill gave me a big hug, smiled for the first time and said that he would be back next week to let me know how it all worked out.